Thursday, October 21, 2010

Reading People

I've never had much respect from my family. When I say respect, I don't mean love, or care. I would do anything for my family, as they would do for me. My point is the way I've been treated, respectively. When you are not ignored, or looked down upon, and when you can express yourself freely in a mature conversation, not argument.
I've always been the outsider who did things differently, when it comes to my family. I've always been the person they made fun of the most. My family is known for joking around and being "kick back," also known as relaxed. However, you realize when a joke is repeated all the time about you, it's more serious than a joke. Examples: "Let me just talk to you Chris (boyfriend), because this girl *gestures and head movement* for-get-it! " - "Bonehead over there." - "Use your head." - "She's so retarded." E T C.

I earned this treatment because I've always been an extremely goofy person and I will act and say foolish things to make a smile come across their face. I've been carelessly sarcastic, I've said things without it being relative at all and I've asked nothing but the wrong questions. Basically, I've done anything to get a good laugh going. It never bothered me when they wanted to have a serious conversation and wanted me out of the room. It never bothered me when they made gestures with their hands and rude comments about me in front of my friends and boyfriend. It hasn't bothered me, until now.

Since I'm older, I believe a bit more wiser and aware, I desire respect. I don't want to be looked at as the kid who doesn't know anything, the "bonehead" girl, anymore. In fact, it hurts my feelings.
But why, LettuceHead, you know they're joking. I do know. I know they care about me, but I wish I received encouragement to "use my head" rather then this negative vibe.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately and what I believe will help me is by reading people. I lack good communication skills. I've always been better at writing my feelings and thoughts, rather than saying them. I've had countless blogs on the internet and countless journals. In high school when I used to get grounded I would always write letters to my parents instead of talking to them. My excuse was: "this way I can say everything I need to say without us arguing." I was a baby, and you know what... I still am.
This "lack" of communication applies to anyone I've ever known. I've been stepped on a lot by people and allow them to get away with it. When I'm hurt, I keep it to myself, unless I'm writing - then I can't hold what I say. Not everything is entirely their fault. I do take most of the blame because I don't know how to read people. I don't know what's right to say and when to say it. There's timing for everything and I've been clueless about that. I offend and disturb people without it ever being on purpose. Most of what I say gets taken the wrong way.

I suppose I've always been bad at reading people because I imagine everyone being open-minded, trustworthy, respectful people. I always think people are interested in learning and having discussions about rough subjects, new ideas, death, life, if there's an afterlife, how huge space is, if there's life on other planets. I want to learn, I want to explore, and I want my mind opened. One day, I hope my family sees that in me.


  1. Sometimes I'm hurt too when friends joke about me, even though I know that it's only a joke, I cant help but feel terrible at the back of my mind, but I let them be, I don't want to be serious and they are just kidding anyway..

    I also write through letters on my parents or to anyone, because I want to explain my side throughly, because if I do explain personally I now there will be a lot of shouting..

    someday they'll understand

  2. I struggle to communicate with my family. They’re always interrupting me, as if I have nothing of any value to say. I simply don’t seem to be able to command enough attention to finish saying anything. I think that has a lot to do with why I write. I can express myself without interruptions or arguments.
    The enigmatic, masked blogger

  3. hi lettucehead..though id really like to know your real name..:) know my friends used to make fun of me all the time..and i didnt mind coz hey i thought they were friends..and i used2 say stupid thingz2....i never said anything2 dem..and like you i resorted to writing.. writing helps me soothe down...i wrote so much..i can practically say i can write a novel in just found your blog today and the way you right is simply awesum..i understand you check out my new to blogger recent..:)..if you ever wanna chat then heres my id on yahoo..
    do hit me up smtym..wud like to tok2 ya..:)tke care miss lettuce..:P
    and dnt wrie ur family will realise soon..

  4. I almost cried in my office just now.

  5. Kamila - Thanks for sharing. However, I realized sometimes enough is enough. If they hurt your feelings again, be open about it. You don't have to be rude, but simply say it's not ok. A real friend would see and understand.

    Mask - I totally relate. I'm sorry sweetie.

    Hexile - Thanks, new blogger buddy. I will check out your blog as well.

    C.N. - I'm sorry for triggering something... Are you alright?

  6. Love that. I want to see, learn and explore too. Otherwise, what's the point?

  7. Thanks, L'Head. I'm good, just a lot of empathy for people in your situation, especially women since that seems to be who's there the most.

    I grew up with a family that was supportive and encouraging even with a sense of humor, and experiences like yours (and my wife's and many other's) just kill me.

  8. Jolene - That's right

    C.N. - I think I may have worded this post wrong. I don't want anyone thinking my family isn't good because that would be false. My family is supportive and loving too, it's their sense of humor that can be nailing at times. I don't have much respect from them because of the way I have acted so the respect I think I deserve isn't always visible. My main point was it's hard to change a person's perception about you, no matter what age you are.

  9. @L'Head - That's good to hear. You probably worded it fine and it just happened to fall through an emotional filter of mine. No matter how clear your writing is, you can't account for a reader with blind spots or keyword triggers. :)

  10. Goofy is good....

    So's Mickey, and Donald, and Pluto....


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