I've never had much respect from my family. When I say respect, I don't mean love, or care. I would do anything for my family, as they would do for me. My point is the way I've been treated, respectively. When you are not ignored, or looked down upon, and when you can express yourself freely in a mature conversation, not argument.
I've always been the outsider who did things differently, when it comes to my family. I've always been the person they made fun of the most. My family is known for joking around and being "kick back," also known as relaxed. However, you realize when a joke is repeated all the time about you, it's more serious than a joke. Examples: "Let me just talk to you Chris (boyfriend), because this girl *gestures and head movement* for-get-it! " - "Bonehead over there." - "Use your head." - "She's so retarded." E T C.
I earned this treatment because I've always been an extremely goofy person and I will act and say foolish things to make a smile come across their face. I've been carelessly sarcastic, I've said things without it being relative at all and I've asked nothing but the wrong questions. Basically, I've done anything to get a good laugh going. It never bothered me when they wanted to have a serious conversation and wanted me out of the room. It never bothered me when they made gestures with their hands and rude comments about me in front of my friends and boyfriend. It hasn't bothered me, until now.
Since I'm older, I believe a bit more wiser and aware, I desire respect. I don't want to be looked at as the kid who doesn't know anything, the "bonehead" girl, anymore. In fact, it hurts my feelings. But why, LettuceHead, you know they're joking. I do know. I know they care about me, but I wish I received encouragement to "use my head" rather then this negative vibe.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately and what I believe will help me is by reading people. I lack good communication skills. I've always been better at writing my feelings and thoughts, rather than saying them. I've had countless blogs on the internet and countless journals. In high school when I used to get grounded I would always write letters to my parents instead of talking to them. My excuse was: "this way I can say everything I need to say without us arguing." I was a baby, and you know what... I still am.
This "lack" of communication applies to anyone I've ever known. I've been stepped on a lot by people and allow them to get away with it. When I'm hurt, I keep it to myself, unless I'm writing - then I can't hold what I say. Not everything is entirely their fault. I do take most of the blame because I don't know how to read people. I don't know what's right to say and when to say it. There's timing for everything and I've been clueless about that. I offend and disturb people without it ever being on purpose. Most of what I say gets taken the wrong way.
I suppose I've always been bad at reading people because I imagine everyone being open-minded, trustworthy, respectful people. I always think people are interested in learning and having discussions about rough subjects, new ideas, death, life, if there's an afterlife, how huge space is, if there's life on other planets. I want to learn, I want to explore, and I want my mind opened. One day, I hope my family sees that in me.