Saturday, September 11, 2010

Existing with you

It's hard to imagine life with out you. I've drastically grown with you by my side. You've expanded my life in ways that I would have never guessed a few years back. But I am here with a new head on my shoulders, and it's truly all thanks to you. You will always hold a special place in me, no matter what our future holds. But the thought of us drifting has filled my body with water - I'm heavy, drifting through waves from happiness to sadness. Poke me and I shall pour all over the fire we have profoundly built. It is not on purpose that I feel this way.

My whole life I have always believed in magic. Movies have taught me how love should be, how love IS. The magazines reminded me how love is, too. Soap operas have offered me the drama I display in my life, believing that's how I should act. That the boy must fight for you, that you are the damsel in distress. That you are the victim, always, even when you're wrong. So when I met you this theory was still intact in my brain, like the fleas on a dog, sucking its blood - when in fact both are curable.
To move forward, we've been living together now for 3 months and as short as it sounds I've never felt so close to you. Our relationship has opened up like a whale's mouth. There's nothing I wouldn't hide from you. Yet, I still fear admitting the pain that lingers in our past. I still pretend it didn't exist. We aren't years away from it. It's still fresh in the air. The sharks would still find our bodies. We've had conversations concerning it, arguments ending in it, and dreams haunting us.
We both know we care for one another, but there's so much work left unfinished in our lives, separately. I'm still going to school, you're still trying to make music. I want to write novels, you want to make albums. These lives are hard. They're almost impossible to achieve successfully, and live off of. So many people are after these goals and it takes so much of YOU to pull through.
The magic in me says we can stay together and accomplish our goals, side by side. Sometimes, I go back and fourth with that thought. Maybe it isn't magic. Maybe it is real love. So what I realize now is that it's the certainty, the TRUST, that will keep us together while accomplishing our goals. (I want my pie and my cake.) It will be hard, especially if I'm able to move to another state and go to a university. I know you can't come. This is the music scene. This is California. As much as we both hate it, I know your seed needs to grow.

And thus, I have no answer for our future. I do not know what is in store. You have, time and time again, told me to just exist with you. I clarified it as bringing happiness to each moment by each other's side, because no matter what, together or not, it meant something. We learned and we grew, and we know what we want, and know what we don't want. Though I love you, and I mean that with every ounce in me and every heart beat made. I feel so sure of that, as there are many things in life I'm not sure of. But reality is, I'm 21 years old, what the hell do I really know.

Lettuce Head

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