I don't have many friends. Mom was right, once you're out of high school you realize who your real friends are. Though I've realized all people know how to do is get close to you and disappear. I'm fortunate to be with someone who hasn't changed his mind. That's not to say we haven't had our rough patches. But this isn't what this blog's about. This blog is about friendship and forgive me if I ramble. I just hope for it to make sense, at least.
I'm a loner, but I always tried not to be. As shy of a person I am I always tried to make friends. I've always been a positive, giving, hopeful person, and upbeat once you got to know me. The only thing that got me down was the unhappiness others felt. It didn't help that my parents always emphasized on friendship. They would say it's the people that get you through life, but not everyone thinks like we do. Not everyone has supportive parents or be able to feel carefree. I've never been in a fight, or dealt with divorce. I never had to deal with drugs in the family, or abuse. I don't have a disorder, nor does anyone in my family. We are super close (it's kind of overwhelming) and there's never been any secrets.
Regardless, I've been the sheep in the family; the rebellious one, they would say. Though, I'd like to consider myself adventurous and open-minded. I've hung out with "wrong crowds" and have done stupid, young things - But it just made me feel close to everyone else. So I've always been the person to reach out to others, even if they didn't reach out to me.
I have had close friends. Or at least that's what I thought. I had a "best friend" every new year and they each disappeared in their own way. When I think about it now, each friend I've been close to has been suicidal. I've lost 2 of them that way and ever since I've never been the complete same. I know life happens and people will always drift, which is why I'm so attached to my boyfriend. Though I unconditionally love him, he's the only one in my life.
This is another reason why I enjoy writing so much. These characters I create become those invisible friends. This includes why I spend my nights watching a movie, or reading a book. Though I grew up living on my computer, chatting with people I've never met, and felt ok with that. They were always there, every time I signed on. It felt real enough. They couldn't hurt me. I couldn't hurt them. I mean, don't get me completely wrong, I did hang out with people still (as I've stated up there), but it was such a one sided friendship. I would always make the phone calls, the invitations. After awhile it gets tiring. What also gets tiring is being blown off, yet it's surprising each time it happens.
These days it's so hard for me to even want a friendship. People will talk to me at school and they'll seem nice and I'll tell myself we might have things in common, but it feels useless. I don't want to reach out anymore. I don't want to make the phone calls, or send the invitations. I DON'T want to be the beggar anymore.
But is this my fault? Am I the reason people drift away, or why I can't keep a "best friend?" Is it the city I live in? I keep thinking there's better people out there and I'll meet them someday. People who are generous, motivated, smart, who care about REAL things in life and not focused on celebrities. Devoted, sincere, passionate people! They exist! Right...?
What a pity post, I'm sorry. I'm not asking for sympathy, just another format to understanding me and for me to understand myself.
Sincerely,
Lettuce Head
There are no people in my life who know everything about me except for my husband. I've maintained a friend from high school who knows some, but not all of that stuff, I have a good friend now who knows some of the crappier stuff my husband and I have been through together but no one knows it all.
ReplyDeleteI have a pretty "normal" good family. But you are right. Friends are funny things.
The frustrating thing is that even your characters don't always want to do what you want them to do. But they're good companions just the same.
Thank you for sharing, that brought me comfort. I'm not so alone afterall. Maybe it's common for people to not have a best friend? But man, those characters.. you're right. Everything sounds so much better in your head.
ReplyDeleteAfter the conversation we had and your reaction to my decision, I can't help but feel judged by you. I understand you reacted out of concern for me, but in the end it is my life and my decision to make. One of the main reasons I hate opening up that part of my life to people is because then they feel like they have the right to push me a certain way when that's not what I need. More often than not what I need is to vent and rage to get the emotions out of the way to allow myself to hear what I say and try to get a clear head.
ReplyDeleteEvery year I have had a new "best" friend and by the next year we grow distant. By now instead of being sad about it I accept it as growth, because you learn something from every new person that you come across in your life, and sometimes people grow apart and other times they don't, but it's all a part of the natural human growth as we make our way through this crazy life to the best of our abilities.
Maybe you should talk to me about this then instead of thinking it to yourself. I had no idea you felt that way. I had not been judging you but simply giving you a different insight. All I said was to be careful. I have been upset with you for other reasons though and if you'd like we can talk about this. I would like to.
ReplyDelete