I don't have many friends. Mom was right, once you're out of high school you realize who your real friends are. Though I've realized all people know how to do is get close to you and disappear. I'm fortunate to be with someone who hasn't changed his mind. That's not to say we haven't had our rough patches. But this isn't what this blog's about. This blog is about friendship and forgive me if I ramble. I just hope for it to make sense, at least.
I'm a loner, but I always tried not to be. As shy of a person I am I always tried to make friends. I've always been a positive, giving, hopeful person, and upbeat once you got to know me. The only thing that got me down was the unhappiness others felt. It didn't help that my parents always emphasized on friendship. They would say it's the people that get you through life, but not everyone thinks like we do. Not everyone has supportive parents or be able to feel carefree. I've never been in a fight, or dealt with divorce. I never had to deal with drugs in the family, or abuse. I don't have a disorder, nor does anyone in my family. We are super close (it's kind of overwhelming) and there's never been any secrets.
Regardless, I've been the sheep in the family; the rebellious one, they would say. Though, I'd like to consider myself adventurous and open-minded. I've hung out with "wrong crowds" and have done stupid, young things - But it just made me feel close to everyone else. So I've always been the person to reach out to others, even if they didn't reach out to me.
I have had close friends. Or at least that's what I thought. I had a "best friend" every new year and they each disappeared in their own way. When I think about it now, each friend I've been close to has been suicidal. I've lost 2 of them that way and ever since I've never been the complete same. I know life happens and people will always drift, which is why I'm so attached to my boyfriend. Though I unconditionally love him, he's the only one in my life.
This is another reason why I enjoy writing so much. These characters I create become those invisible friends. This includes why I spend my nights watching a movie, or reading a book. Though I grew up living on my computer, chatting with people I've never met, and felt ok with that. They were always there, every time I signed on. It felt real enough. They couldn't hurt me. I couldn't hurt them. I mean, don't get me completely wrong, I did hang out with people still (as I've stated up there), but it was such a one sided friendship. I would always make the phone calls, the invitations. After awhile it gets tiring. What also gets tiring is being blown off, yet it's surprising each time it happens.
These days it's so hard for me to even want a friendship. People will talk to me at school and they'll seem nice and I'll tell myself we might have things in common, but it feels useless. I don't want to reach out anymore. I don't want to make the phone calls, or send the invitations. I DON'T want to be the beggar anymore.
But is this my fault? Am I the reason people drift away, or why I can't keep a "best friend?" Is it the city I live in? I keep thinking there's better people out there and I'll meet them someday. People who are generous, motivated, smart, who care about REAL things in life and not focused on celebrities. Devoted, sincere, passionate people! They exist! Right...?
What a pity post, I'm sorry. I'm not asking for sympathy, just another format to understanding me and for me to understand myself.